There’s always Ben and Jerry


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The impending doom draws nearer and nearer with every fleeting second that passes by. Overwhelming, poisonous, and sickening scents waft through the air. The sight of it around every corner waiting to attack you with heart shaped images branded to your skull forever. And there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it.

It is Valentine’s Day.

A day reserved for desperation and earth-shattering levels of PDA. There’s really nothing we can do to stop it- or is there?

Singles: There is hope! Instead of, perhaps, flinging one’s self at the first available individual, go to the nearest mini mart and load up. My personal favorites are Hershey, Toblerone, Ghirardelli, and Lindt & Sprungli. They are all perfect, if not better, replacements for a significant other. For one, they won’t leave you for a long time. And when they finally leave, at least you get to do the dumping.

Committed couples on the pursuit of happiness: I can’t offer you any advice. You’re on your own, seeing as I, the writer of this article, have never advanced to the level of commitment that you find yourself on now. Maybe you could write an article with step-by-step instructions on how-to be lovable?

While we are on the topic of this substandard holiday, let’s delve into the history of this treachery, shall we?

It is commonly believed that Valentine’s Day celebrates the martyrdom of Saint Valentine. But there is still some uncertainty surrounding the holiday. One possibility is that Valentine’s Day is derived from a Roman holiday celebrating fertility. Another possibility includes Saint Valentine holding secret weddings, for marriage had been banned. Bummer, am I right?

For all you smart people who plan on taking advantage of the day-after-Valentine’s sale on sweets to relieve your depression, Walgreens and similar variety stores, always have an abundance of cheap chocolate. So after Valentine’s Day, Walgreens near Orange Leaf is the place to be.

See all of you there